Sisterhood

I’ve always been a loner and never grew up being part of a group, not even girl guides or a sports team. Not only did I always feel different and not quite ‘vibe’ with others, but I also knew that I’d move on soon, therefore there was no real point in belonging.

Back in Melbourne in 2006 I did create a successful artist group for mothers only. The group is called Thou Art Mum, which is still going strong to this day, but even then, I still kept my ‘true self’ and ‘woo-woo’ thoughts hidden from others. I had trust issues, I never felt that I could truly be myself with others just in case later down the track my openness would be used against me.

The Difficult Year of 2023

Then 2023 came around, which turned out to be an incredibly heartbreaking and stressful year for me, in which my past fears about having loved ones use friendship and personal connections against me were coming true… My nightmare had finally become my reality. A reality that I had to keep to myself due to living in a small town where gossip reaches its destination before you even arrive. Also being in the public eye, running a cafe frequented not only by tourists but also the locals, I had to keep up an image of being happy and accommodating, all while I was emotionally, mentally, and physically lost. I dropped 13kg in the blink of an eye, and I ending up weighing only 49kg before I realised how bad things had gotten. I didn’t know what was going to get me first, a mental breakdown or a heart attack… either one seemed better than what I was actually experiencing at the time.

Sisterhood in the Amazonian Arts

While being lost and sucked down further into the demise of my work, home, and love life, I also found it difficult to attend the AMA Circles and communications that was going on online with my fellow Sisters. I had finally found a group that I wanted to join in with and be a part of; a group of wonderful women I was getting to know more and more with each gathering. Unfortunately, my mental state of mind was in such high anxiety mode that the mere fact of hopping online and interacting with anyone after work was causing me even more anxiety. My daily life would be to arrive home after work and just shut out the outside world. I realised that I shut myself off from everyone as I didn’t even reply back to messages on Messenger… To this day I still have un-opened messages from months ago. I had to learn to be ‘SELFish’ for once and learn how to rebuild myself again … To find out who I was and who I wanted to become. I had to learn to forgive myself and my choices in trusting others that weren’t in my life for my greater good while at the same time though acknowledging that what I went through was a lesson that I needed to learn.

Breaking Point in 2024

With 2024 arriving faster than expected I was determined to start the year anew and take back control of my life. I also started to choose wisely the people that I wanted to allow back in again. I drew a new line in the sand for myself as I began to find my self-worth. I was also determined to have a week off from work and home and go on a road trip back down to Melbourne with both my boys. The plan was to drive to Melbourne together and leave all our worries behind… Unfortunately, the Army had decided to call my youngest son back to work early and so he had to cut his holiday with us short. I was totally disappointed and thought, ‘Typical’! But I was also trying to learn how to be ‘In FLOW’ and let go of what I could not change. I was starting to learn that everything does happen for a reason, especially when you take the time to look back and see the progression of one’s life. That saying, Rejection Is Divines Protection, actually rings true and now makes more sense to me.

An Introspective Holiday

On the day of leaving for our road trip, I first had to complete my last shift at work … this last shift was the catalyst that finally opened my eyes as to how toxic my work environment had really become. There was no turning back to being naive and trusting certain individuals. I finally realised that my ‘holiday’ away was actually going to have to be a time of introspection, a time of re-building myself and coming back stronger than ever. As the workday came to an end, I arrived back home and finished packing. I was mentally getting ready to not only leave the old version of myself behind, but also the old life of how I wanted to be viewed and treated had to come to an end as well. I didn’t know how I was going to achieve this, but I did know that as I took a last look of my bedroom, that a newer stronger version of Me was going to step back in by the end of the week.

As my eldest son and I left Dorrigo with excitement in the air of all the things we wanted to do in Melbourne; unfortunately, I started receiving nasty text messages hours into our trip. I didn’t want it to ruin our time away together, but we hadn’t even gotten to the Victorian border, and I was already in so much pain from the stress building up in my stomach. This challenge of becoming the new me was going to be harder than expected because my body had already gotten used to the emotional triggers and so immediately reacting to them. No matter how much I would try to sooth myself mentally, my son noticed that I was constantly rubbing my stomach/diaphragm area due to the pain that I was starting to experience again. Instead of leaving my problems behind, it seemed as though they had decided to also join us on our road trip.  By the time we got to Melbourne, and I got dropped off to the hotel room, I couldn’t wait to be alone so as to be able to just burst into tears. I went to the bathroom and stared at the person looking back at me in the mirror… I barely recognised her; she had lost her essence and direction in life. All I saw looking back at me was an aged gaunt version of myself that couldn’t even muster an empty smile anymore. I then looked up to the ceiling and pleaded to my deceased mum, grandmother and all my celestial guides to PLEASE HELP ME! I fell to my hands and knees on the cold tiles crying uncontrollably, pleading for help, assistance, a change to my life … because I really couldn’t take it anymore. I knew deep down that to be able to get through all of this I needed to tap back into my faith whole heartedly. I had to realise that this was not happening TO ME but happening FOR ME. I felt like I was intentionally being broken down to bare bone so I could be put back together again as a stronger, wiser and more IN FLOW version of my old self.

A Healing Shift …

The next morning, I awoke to read a message that my polarity Sister, Lyra Jean was organising via our Messenger group chat. She was getting together a zoom meeting/drumming circle for when I return to Dorrigo in a week’s time. It was going to be an online drumming circle of protection for both me and fellow artisan Sarah, followed by a 10 minute drumming session for all Sentient beings and Gaia. I recalled that days before leaving for Melbourne, Lyra Jean had reached out to me wanting to know how life had been going and that she and the Sisters were there for me. Now that I had finally reached the lowest of low emotionally and my calling out to my ancestors for help the night before had been released out into the aether, Lyra’s organising of a protection drumming circle felt so incredibly Magickal. It felt as though the planets were starting to align for a much-needed change in life. I was so incredibly grateful and touched that Lyra Jean was following through with organising this drumming zoom call off her own back while she herself was going through her own upheavals! I started to feel and witness that deep bond of Sisterhood unfolding before my eyes.

While the organising for the drumming circle was unfolding, I was getting excited to finally visit my dear cousin Roxy who I hadn’t seen since my mother’s death back in 2018. To my surprise she and a fellow Sister called Pania had planned a beautifully enriching day for the 3 of us to experience. We were no longer mothers, wives, partners, and employees/employers. We were 3 women trying to squeeze into one day as much fun, love, and pampering as possible! My stomach pains had disappeared, my stresses about life were gone, our new lifelong tattoos were created. Roxy and I got matching tattoos that I had designed as a reminder of my newfound strength and direction in life. We have always had a special bond even though our lives have always seemed to be pulled apart from each other in one way or another. Our detoxing foot spars that Pania had organised were not only incredibly relaxing but also intriguing as we analysed the bubbled images that were appearing, Pania’s passionate Gong session was also deeply intense and evoking, and eating as much ice-cream as possible before dinner time was not considered taboo, even though we are all mothers and wouldn’t recommend it to our kids. 

We had a glorious day together … a day that I deeply needed. I started to realise that I was being protected and strengthened by my Tribe, both in Melbourne and through my AMA Sisterhood group. I knew that I would no longer fall for the trappings of lower frequency individuals that were not willing to work on their own Dark Shadows… it was not my role to ‘save them’. What was happening around me was a spiritual warfare that I was now ready to face… I was ready to put on my spiritual armour because my synchronicities were becoming louder with each day passing. Synchronicities that were once again putting a smile on my face because I felt that I was starting to be in flow again… I was finally heading in the right direction.

The Drumming Circle

Friday night came quickly, I was back in my bedroom a different person to the one that left defeated a week prior. I sat on my cushion with my drum ready for when it was Sarah’s turn for her drum session. Those that could join us soon realised that due to technology the sounds of our drums playing would not be heard via the Zoom call.  That did not matter one bit to me… because while sitting on the floor with my eyes closed knowing that each sister was playing her drum for me, my protection was being carried through the aether. Their loving intent was felt within me, my eyes filling up with tears of love and appreciation. Also in my mind’s eye, was knowing that back in Melbourne my cousin Roxy had lit a candle at the same time and placed it in the large wooden pyramid that Pania had built. At one point I opened my eyes, and I could see each Sister drumming passionately, coming together … all of us believing in the power of this Oneness. Then my turn came to drum for Sarah as the other Sisters did another 10-minute drumming session. Sitting on my bedroom floor drumming alone but really not alone, felt so empowering. As I was drumming, I was visualising Sarah at first, sending love, strength and protection her way, and then visualising Lyra Jean for getting this session together and also sending love and strength her way, and then Akhalita for starting this amazing Amazonian Arts group… and then all the Sisters that I have come to care about, trust and love. I was in safe hands and being understood. We then did another 10-minute drumming session for all Sentient beings and Gaia in which I started to see and experience aspects of myself through the past sharing of all our collective stories. The word Sisterhood was no longer just a word … it had now become my new reality.

Thank you so much, each and every one of you. As tears now roll down my face, I know that they are not tears of pain, instead they are tears of gratitude that YOU are in my life in some shape or form.  

Akhalita, thank you so much for creating this wonderfully empowering group called the Amazonian Arts. I’m learning so much about myself in such a gentle way (and in a gentle environment), due to your beautiful nature and delivery, both in and out of Circle. Both you and Russ have created an exceptionally exquisite environment for us all to meet, share and learn from each other. 

I am forever grateful for it all … the good, the bad and the ugly tears that needed to be shed so as to make way for tears of joy and a brighter future ahead. 

Love Katiuska

Artisan Clan Mother